Excerpts

I set my compass to God and I never looked back.

I held on for dear life and opened my eyes for fear that I would let the whole world slip from me if I didn’t snap out of it.

As my trust in Reality deepened, so did my desire to surrender.

I recoiled in fear as I took this to be a very real death and even worse, the annihilation of the world and everything I knew.

The physical senses having dropped and all that remains is a field of Awareness that feels like deep open space stretching out infinitely in all directions.

I knew that I was on a collision course with God and I couldn’t look away from the road in front of me, at least NOT NOW!

I had become so sickened by the taste of desire that I came to the point that I desired nothing more than to be free from all desires, including my desire for Truth.

In fact, the very essence of spirituality could be said to be nothing more than surrendering yourself to Reality.

There is a whole other half of our existence that we are amazingly unaware of.

To have everything I ever knew with my five senses revealed to be images on or in a screen was absolutely earth shattering.

I was the center of experience and what I was experiencing was both, the manifest world in front of me and the Unmanifest behind me.

But its quality was not simply ‘nothing’ in the normal way we use the word, it was more of a ‘raging nothing’.

Up to this point in my life, I had exclusively identified with the changing world in front of me, never aware of the changeless backdrop which is Awareness itself, our true and unchanging nature.

My very sense of ‘self’ was shaken to the core. I was now brutally aware of the eternal Void which I had always been operating from.

But with my discovery of this forgotten half of the picture came a sense of dying as if my old limited sense of self was engulfed and encompassed by this new sense of self, a self that acknowledges the Eternal unchanging half of our experience.

I noticed that all of the content of my mind, whether it be my thoughts and feelings or the myriad of objects that I perceive in the world are all simply the Mind in motion while the Void is the very same Mind, yet unmoved.

Movement cannot fathom Stillness as the very act of moving (thinking, grasping etc.) disrupts the Stillness.

I saw that we exist in two modes simultaneously; Still and moving.

Think about how silly it is for movement to try and understand Stillness. It is a blatant contradiction.
The only way for movement to be aware of the Stillness would be to stop. But stopping is the death of the mover so the mover will never see Stillness.

So, once again, taking ourselves to be part of the world, we can never approach the Truth without facing certain annihilation.

It’s like the everyday world lies just above the sea of Stillness. We can sink into this Infinite Ocean of loving divinity at any time but our addiction to movement keeps us on the surface, unaware of that which is waiting for us, if only we were to relax into what is.

I feel like one of these meditations is going to get so deep that I will make a crossover from which I can never return.

The tensions, the thoughts, the feelings, everything in my mind were just objects and I decided that I was not interested in any objects. I wanted to know the Subject.

I realized that no matter what, I was always oriented just behind whatever it was that I was observing. Then I noticed that I was not only behind the world that I was observing, but that I was behind my body as well.

‘Being’ is always present but whether or not I am aware of this fact depends completely on WHERE I place my attention.

Water is always water, whether it manifests as bubbling frenetic boiling water or deep frozen still water. In a similar way, Awareness is always Awareness, whether it manifests as a limited sense of an individual self or the unlimited sense of Eternal Self.

The implication being that Heaven, Nirvana or any other description of an Ultimate Reality is not some future event that we will be magically transported to after this earthly life but rather right here and right now.

What I discovered was that what we consider to be our baseline experience, this apparent waking life, is not our true baseline.

What exposes Stillness as our true baseline experience is its eternal quality and the sense of familiarity.

The final question for me was “How does the One manifest itself as the many?”

The trick to all this is that when you and the world appear, God dis-appears and when God appears, you and the world dis-appear.

Anything that has ever been experienced has depended on Awareness for its existence. Awareness is always the second half of any objects existence.

Everything that exists, has existed or can ever exist is necessarily measureable or finite and has depended on some other cause for its existence. It is only Awareness that is immeasurable or in-finite and therefore not dependent on anything else for its existence.

Literally everything in existence has had a source except for Awareness.

Awareness is at once the Space we exist in, the Life that animates us and the Love we experience.

Since there is nothing ‘else’ to be aware of, Awareness naturally and spontaneously has no other option but to become aware of itself.

So, by virtue of the fact that Awareness is all there is, Awareness would automatically become aware of itself by the sheer power of this attraction to itself.

The bottom line is that not only is the world endless in terms of its breadth, but it is also endless between any two points; no matter how insanely close those two points are.

This power of attraction that created the original fold is the same intrinsic power of attraction that is responsible for the creation of all life that exists within the very world that the original fold created.

It is the power of attraction that not only created our world but sustains it as well.
It dawned on me that our whole perspective of being the Subject experiencing objects is just an illusion caused by that ‘folding’ of Awareness.

The illusion is caused by the One simply folding itself giving the appearance of two. It is the fold that creates the whole illusion of Subject and object, the very basis of the dualistic perspective. Without that fold in the center, there would be no sense of a ‘you’ and a ‘world’.  (or we can just use one of those sentences)

The relationship between God and man is identical to the relationship between white light and a rainbow. Just like God, the light is real and actual and just like the rainbow, we only appear to be real.

God becomes obscured by the rising of you and the world.

To experience God, we must cancel ourselves out.

I realized that practicing Stillness is tantamount to practicing death.

I will spend every available moment scraping away at the wall that serves as a barrier to the final liberation that is awaiting me.

Now I was beginning to see that even the very feeling of being a person was actually just another object or some-thing that I perceived in my experience as the true Subject.

The ultimate irony is that when ‘I’ reach the end of the spiritual path, it turns out that all that ‘I’ need to do to is merely drop the ‘I’ and only God will remain.

I find myself staring into the Infinite realizing that all that is left for me to do is to simply die. As long as ‘I’ am, realization cannot be. Which will it be?

It just really hit home recently that I have been on a suicide mission and I never really understood this.

What I have been getting recently is that the ego doesn’t really want freedom; it just thinks it does because it takes freedom to be just another experience for itself.

But freedom is tantamount to the ego’s own death so once it really realizes that what it has been seeking is its own death, it quickly backtracks. This is where I am right now and I have not moved an inch since this discovery.

Just seeing what one is ‘not’ will spontaneously reveal what one actually ‘is’.

I did die (or I lost something permanently after that) but there was still another subtle layer of ‘me’ who was watching my death. The ‘I’ is sneaky like that.

The very fact that it is a suicide mission may seem disturbing enough but it’s compounded by the fact that the mission seems to happen with no volition of my own.

I realize that I, as ‘marc’, has to die and what’s worse is that I have to be the one to pull the proverbial trigger.

Some days I feel like the movie has ended but I am just refusing to leave the theatre.

But being Truth necessarily entails that ego dies, so it is a bit like music seeking its whole life to hear absolute silence.

It is all too obvious that this practice will spell my death… the death of the guy who is not the Witness.

I was becoming very nostalgic about a world that I was still in.

But this time when I pulled on the lion’s tail, the whole lion showed itself.

Ironic that apparent separation is the cure for loneliness as the One.

I cannot emphasize enough to you, the reader, that who you are RIGHT NOW is all there is.

All experiences are happening to the same Subject which is you, figuratively and literally.

I am literally and actually That which I was seeking.  The sentience which is ‘I’ is the only ‘I’. It is the ‘I’ behind all eyes.

The Ultimate Truth is that YOU, the reader of these words right now is the only one that exists.

Everyone that you have ever met and will ever meet in any existence is actually you looking out through different eyes.

So, when I point out the fact that the world is actually an illusion, it is not meant to denigrate the world but instead to glorify it by recognizing its true and profound nature.

The difference between myself and the solipsist is that in my experience, I had to see that I was nothing before I saw that I was everything.

From my perspective, I was the yard. I was the sky, I was the earth. Everything that I saw, I was.

No wonder we can never find God, we were all taught to look for an ‘other’ or something ‘else’.

Since God is everywhere, everything and at every time, it is impossible to find That while looking for particulars.

You are not a part of God as if God could be spliced into an infinite number of little ‘you’s’. You are LITERALLY and ACTUALLY the ONLY One.

You are walking around in a house of mirrors and there has never ever been anything that was not YOU!

In the next moment I was aware that I was a ‘person’ who was NOT a moment ago.

This world is a fuckin’ miracle. Nothing exists yet I am staring at myself as a little girl’s bedroom.

After sitting there for sometime simply blown away that a world appears although nothing exists, I became grateful that I have this world.

I saw this string forming a loop (with the simplest twist), which creates a closed circuit of Awareness, whereby Awareness is now aware of itself.

From the blackness of the Void, I saw in slow motion, just how Reality manifests as the world of form that we all know.

The reason it is so frightening for the ego to let go of this thought stream is because the ego IS this thought stream.

Spontaneously, the world is recognized to be appearing inside of You.

To BE while knowing that you are NOT is the greatest Joy.

By surrendering your life, you are demonstrating a trust in the whole and your place in it as opposed to relying on your own limited view.

It seems that if we don’t continually reaffirm our sense of self with our internal dialogue and efforts to control the external world, than we will be left with no foundation to stand on.

But it is in this groundless ground that we will find our true Home.

Here in this foundationless space we discover our true nature and the true nature of Reality itself.

We are actually in Heaven and that if we just investigate this aware space deeply enough then we will inevitably see this Truth for ourselves.

You will effortlessly remember the ground of being just like you automatically remember the everyday world when you awaken from a dream.

On another level, it can also be said that even true Enlightenment is still part of a bigger dream.
It is like widening your perspective enough to recognize the harmony that couldn’t be seen when your vantage point was too narrow.

Even if you die and go to Heaven or Nirvana, that experience will be taking place in the same magic room that you looking into right now.

Heaven, in the truest sense of the word, is actually right here and right now. We have never left our true home.